DIY

Like many a man I feel unnaturally called to the world of DIY. There's something in the male chromosome which continually whispers to you 'go on, build something, it'll be fun'. This whispering also seems to grow louder during the summer for some reason - why I'm not quite sure, as it would surely be infinitely more fun to spend the day doing something that a) is enjoyable and b) you're actually good at.

I ended up doing my own bit of DIY today, though in this case it was more a case of a DIY emergency than a yearning to attempt to build some grand, lasting testament to my ability. In short, I had an unfortunate run-in with my bathroom mirror and the lid of the cistern on our toilet.

What started out as a regular early morning teeth-brushing session quickly became a Faulty Towers moment as I turned the mirror to admire my gleaming pearlies. What followed was one of those slow-motion horror moments as the mirror lazily fell off its holder and preceeded to somersault down onto the corner of the cistern lid.

It's fair to say the cistern lid didn't enjoy this one bit as it's once pristeen front corner was castrated in two by the gravity-delirious mirror. Luckily for the lid (but alas not for me), it managed to fire off a brief retaliatory volley before its surrender. The result was a perfect crack across the middle of the mirror as well.

After the initial shock and frankly appalling language, three things happened across the rest of the day to secure the battlefield and then launch a damage limitation exercise. The first was a rapid trip to John Lewis to seek supplies for the evening's repair mission - I know B&Q would have been the logical choice but apparently Oxford Street is not a priority location for them.

The second utilised all of my PR skills as I constructed a blow by blow account of the 'tragic incident' and detailed the plans for a swift, efficient repair. Sadly however, a check of my inbox revealed the worst possible news - the landlady had declared over the weekend that our tri-monthly inspection was due. With this in mind, I bit the bullet and sent the peace treaty email across to her.

Finally came the actual repair job this evening. This was going to be a delicate job and hence I swiftly secured the services of an assistant project manager and materials manager to assist me in my role as chief engineer. Sadly, the assistant proved less than helpful, managing to point out a couple of structural issues ('there's a bit missing there' and 'I don't think you'll ever get it back to how it was') before disappearing off for some frantic last-minute PhD viva revision.

Happily the materials manager revealed some excellent practical skills as well as comforting words and was thus swiftly promoted to deputy chief engineer and project manager (details of his remuneration and performance bonus were sadly unavailable). What followed was intensive, nerve-jangling and at times fraught with danger. But 15 minutes later the project was complete and left to dry, sandwiched in-between Tolkien's masterpiece and Stephen Hawking's creation theory for stability whilst drying.

A report on the review and inspection process will hopefully follow next week, assuming this chief engineer still has a house to live in that is...