Report no 1 from the field of dreams

I've recently started playing in a 5-a-side football team at work on Tuesday nights. Not only is this great fun, but it's an excuse to go to the pub afterwards. It's also an excuse to do a bit more non-work writing and as such, below is a copy of our first match report (though not the first match - I was a bit lazy for the first couple!).

Ignoring the slightly rose-tinted tone, we actually did play genuinely well, especially for a bunch of blokes with little to no skill and a chronic lack of anything approaching suitable fitness. Anyway, enjoy:

The H&K Booze Hounds, football’s equivalent of an irrelevant yet newly powerful minor political party, last night secured victory in a tense, hard fought encounter against Incognito thanks to a last minute coalition of their own.

An 11th hour deal, which drafted in stylish leftie John Tilbrook and 5th floor veteran Joe Dawes, bore fruit as the former banged in four sizzling goals and the latter put in a titanic, backs to the wall performance at the heart of the midfield.

The Hounds started in confident mood, quickly building an early lead with a series of excellent strikes on goal. Dawes, playing the opening minutes in goal, also demonstrated his cat-like ability, leaping across his box early on to deny a clear goalscoring opportunity.

Complacency set in midway through the first half however, and two nutmegs, one penalty and some slack defending later the score was 5-3 and the half-time oranges were on their way. Gasping for breath (or possibly alcohol), the Hounds gathered on the centre circle, cursed themselves and then launched a second half comeback started by a Dawes thunderbolt straight from the kick-off.

Tilbrook then proceeded to show his quality, advancing down the left before slotting home, high in the net from a tight angle. Elsewhere Battersby dived in with his customary appetite for work and Mullen continued his adroit hold-up play, delicately gliding a series of first-time flicks off his muscular legs.

Jones meanwhile held his temper in check until midway through the second half when he let go his customary foulmouthed rant at the referee, gesticulating wildly about mutants and the inadequacies of the handball rule. Chambers for the most part sat at the back, enjoying the spectacle and making frequent use of his vocal cords to remind the Hounds of the joy of “getting tight on the arse” of the opposition.

With minutes to go the scores were level, but a final battle cry from the Hounds, some slick two-touch football and another excellent finish ensured the unbeaten start to the season continued as the game ended 9-8. So it’s second place with 4 games gone and one in hand on the vanquished leaders from last night. Next up is the scary sounding ‘Duffers’ 6 days from now…..