Week Four and the obligatory Dragon's Den task for the candidates. We're in the mid-season lull at the moment before the rush of excitement that stems from the wind-up to the interview week but nevertheless, this week featured some memorable moments, not least the brilliantly sulky depature of Mount Fuji-haired Melissa. She was undoubtedly useless, but for her mouth alone she'll definitely be missed.
The Frontrunners – it’s still got to be Jamie and Stella, despite little wobbles for them both this week. Stella’s still quietly effective, whilst Jamie’s smug face only dimished slightly as he breezed the boardroom.
Farewell to The Mouth – so much that could be said about Melissa but I’ll keep it to the minimum possible with just two gems. Firstly, the term ‘hard sell’ just doesn’t do her justice – three times she was told ‘we don’t do showerheads’ and still she kept going like a Jack Russell on heat.
Also, the surefire quote of death, ‘I do this for a living’ on pitching new products. Right, do you also irritate people to the point of chronic eczema?
Death of TheBrand? WHERE HAS HE GONE? In the space of three weeks Stuart Baggs has been reduced to biting into shower heads in a vain effort to fix them for the pleasures of a mid-sized retailer. His hair’s been cut, his vocal chords have disappeared into his stomach and he’s become a 21 year old gimp. Jesus boy, man up and dig your balls out of the coffin.
The new dark horse – streaking ahead in the ‘investment banker’ (cough cough) stakes, it turns out Liz is something of a king in the pitching stakes. Has she catapulted herself into the Jamie/Stella league?
Pitch of the week – he’s been at it again has banker Chris. Still as dour as a doorknob, and also entirely dependant on notes? It’s not secondary school boy. Uber-cucumber Nick Hewer summed it up with the killer phrase, “like listening to a low flying bomber coming home”.
Outfit of the week – Little to write home about this week on the fashion front, so instead we’ll have a little joke out of the sheep shearing that PR man Alex and former Brand, Stuart, ‘enjoyed’ between last week and this.
Lost in the ether – gripping firmly onto this award it’s Sandeesh. Still commanding the shadows although she finally secured a deal traipsing around in the rain in Soho. Well done love.
The Crowning of the Little Princess – on the verge of tears again this week as Paloma briefly laid into her, little Laura came out fighting, grimly clasping her empty order book until the end. It’s the team right Laura? Oh no, wait, hang on, it’s about your 22 year old self and your little scrap of paper with one solitary order on it.
Quote of the week – Nick’s effort above was close, but because it’s her finale, the last award tonight goes to Melissa for this little gem of the English language - “There was no room for manoeuvrement”. Indeed.
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Wednesday 20 October 2010
The Apprentice Awards - Week Three
It’s week three and we’re well into it now – ‘We’re in tough economic times’, ‘I’m not after no cautious Carols’, ‘It’s my turn to be an utterly useless and hilarious PM’ etc etc etc. Week three is usually the start of the long, deadly slow process of weeding out those candidates who are sort of ok but ultimately never going to win. And this week it was Shibby the Surgeon’s turn, although how Sandeesh is still there I really can’t explain – over to you on that one Professor Hawking.
Outfit of the week – Laura was close with her bizarrely high-topped blouse. Did she even have a neck under there? Was it reported missing, last seen in a Selfridges dressing room? However, Liz wins it this week based on her outrageous collar – so wide even a Jumbo Jet couldn’t beat its wingspan.
The ‘I must be good at this one, it’s my dayjob’ award – oh dear Melissa. A ‘food business manager’ without a clue what people eat. But hey, she got round it. How? By inventing something “new and out of the box” apparently – because there aren’t enough breaded products in the world already. And because her new sans-box wonder was last seen in 1986 according to a cake shop owner customer of hers.
PR Watch – whisper it, but he’s actually starting to look half-decent. Yes, Alex pulled it out of the bag this week for his less than impressive PM, Melissa, with some contract-saving sums. Probably best he wasn’t leading the sales pitch though – his head wagged faster than a dog following a bouncy ball as he read from his hastily prepared script.
Star of the show – no contest this one, it’s the hotel chef. First, he had to sit through the most unprofessional pitch seen in London since, well, Chris’ effort last week. And then he landed the week’s killer line when presented with slightly fewer baked bready products than he was hoping for – “16 bread roles?! What am I supposed to do with that?”. Absolutely brilliant. Hire him Lord Sugar. Hire him now.
Persona non gratis – she’s alive! Paloma finally stepped it up this week and it turns out she’s from the Southern Hemisphere (genuinely I had no idea, she’s been so quiet!). She’s also a loud Southernarian as it turns out – the new dark horse? Hmmm, maybe not, just a very, very noisy one.
As for the other mute-oids, Sandeesh is still sticking strictly to her guns. Highlights of the week? Err, her mouse-like sales technique maybe. Oh no wait, she did come up with a great rant on the complexities of breadonomics in the factory at one point. A pat on the back for Christopher though. Damn good on the production line – praise from Nick Hewer? Surely not!
Health & Safety hair alert – Melissa again, who debuted a flick back of blonde hair the size and shape of Mount Fuji, only Mount Fuji bent over backwards in a hurricane.
TheBrand – outrageous in week one, quiet in week two, almost invisible in week three, where the hell has he gone? Please, please come back. Mind you, he did declare at one point that “I’m an amazing salesman and an amazing pitcher” - says the bloke who yelled at people when they didn’t buy his sawdust sausages in week one.
The Baggs award – speaking of TheBrand 1.0, Melissa has clearly been talking to him on sales techniques - “You’re gonna buy it, and you aren’t leaving until you do. Sock it sock it sock it to them guys.”
And finally – there were so many good lines this week, Chef included, but these two really stood out for me. First Shibby, who in a desperate attempt to save his skin came up with this cracker to Sandeesh, “You could have walked around with your top off and still not sold anything”.
But the winner was PR Alex who stood up to Melissa by waiting until she’d stormed off and then delivering his coup de grace, “I got an A* in my GCSE maths by the way”. Like a boy in short trousers being pelted by his sister with a peashooter. Fantastic.
Outfit of the week – Laura was close with her bizarrely high-topped blouse. Did she even have a neck under there? Was it reported missing, last seen in a Selfridges dressing room? However, Liz wins it this week based on her outrageous collar – so wide even a Jumbo Jet couldn’t beat its wingspan.
The ‘I must be good at this one, it’s my dayjob’ award – oh dear Melissa. A ‘food business manager’ without a clue what people eat. But hey, she got round it. How? By inventing something “new and out of the box” apparently – because there aren’t enough breaded products in the world already. And because her new sans-box wonder was last seen in 1986 according to a cake shop owner customer of hers.
PR Watch – whisper it, but he’s actually starting to look half-decent. Yes, Alex pulled it out of the bag this week for his less than impressive PM, Melissa, with some contract-saving sums. Probably best he wasn’t leading the sales pitch though – his head wagged faster than a dog following a bouncy ball as he read from his hastily prepared script.
Star of the show – no contest this one, it’s the hotel chef. First, he had to sit through the most unprofessional pitch seen in London since, well, Chris’ effort last week. And then he landed the week’s killer line when presented with slightly fewer baked bready products than he was hoping for – “16 bread roles?! What am I supposed to do with that?”. Absolutely brilliant. Hire him Lord Sugar. Hire him now.
Persona non gratis – she’s alive! Paloma finally stepped it up this week and it turns out she’s from the Southern Hemisphere (genuinely I had no idea, she’s been so quiet!). She’s also a loud Southernarian as it turns out – the new dark horse? Hmmm, maybe not, just a very, very noisy one.
As for the other mute-oids, Sandeesh is still sticking strictly to her guns. Highlights of the week? Err, her mouse-like sales technique maybe. Oh no wait, she did come up with a great rant on the complexities of breadonomics in the factory at one point. A pat on the back for Christopher though. Damn good on the production line – praise from Nick Hewer? Surely not!
Health & Safety hair alert – Melissa again, who debuted a flick back of blonde hair the size and shape of Mount Fuji, only Mount Fuji bent over backwards in a hurricane.
TheBrand – outrageous in week one, quiet in week two, almost invisible in week three, where the hell has he gone? Please, please come back. Mind you, he did declare at one point that “I’m an amazing salesman and an amazing pitcher” - says the bloke who yelled at people when they didn’t buy his sawdust sausages in week one.
The Baggs award – speaking of TheBrand 1.0, Melissa has clearly been talking to him on sales techniques - “You’re gonna buy it, and you aren’t leaving until you do. Sock it sock it sock it to them guys.”
And finally – there were so many good lines this week, Chef included, but these two really stood out for me. First Shibby, who in a desperate attempt to save his skin came up with this cracker to Sandeesh, “You could have walked around with your top off and still not sold anything”.
But the winner was PR Alex who stood up to Melissa by waiting until she’d stormed off and then delivering his coup de grace, “I got an A* in my GCSE maths by the way”. Like a boy in short trousers being pelted by his sister with a peashooter. Fantastic.
Wednesday 13 October 2010
The Apprentice Awards - Week Two
Sequels are never better than the original right? Well at least most of the time, except for Star Wars. Oh and the Godfather. And probably the Bourne Identity as well.
Likewise The Apprentice then. The first week is always a bit of a demolition derby but episode two usually gives you a much better idea of where we really stand. So with that in mind here are the awards for week two.
Week 2 Frontrunner – no contest here. Simply Stella. Anybody that can control that rabble of egos deserves a commendation. Marks also for Jamie who continues to ooze controlled intelligence, but watch that ego my son
On thin ice – pretty much all the girls but especially PM Laura. Boots the chemist says ‘We’d like an exclusive on your product’, Laura says ‘Hmm, you’re a huge retailer and bizarrely have shown interest in my utterly useless product, but I’m going to say No’
Update on the no shows – last week’s shapeless souls Christopher and Sandeesh stepped it up with at least 10 words per half hour each. Also, Palamo, it’s been two weeks love, open your mouth a little bit
Tears for Fears – again, Laura, who seemed permanently on the verge of emotional breakdown and finally cracked midway through the task. Then again she claims to have brought in £500k of business for her company so maybe tears are the post credit-crunch sales technique of choice
PR watch – my man Alex did moderately well brainstorming name ideas for the boys beach product. However my boy, please don’t approach strangers attempting to enjoy their miserably-weathered English holiday ever again – poor buggers.
Mountford’s face of the week – Karen Brady pulled off the first Margaret of the series during the ‘Book Off’ fight between Laura and Joanna. She’s still got quite a way to go with the facial expressions yet though. Please come back Margaret, please!
Quote of the week – “this doesn’t look slutty at all” smirked ‘investment banker’ (cough cough) Chris with a schoolboyish grin on his face after Stella explicitly told him ‘no’ to the bikini. Coming in a close second was Melissa’s declaration of ‘consumer happiness’ for all following the use of the kid’s collapsible dollhouse tent, sorry, er, BookEeze, it was called the BookEeze
Pitch of the week – It’s ‘Investment Banker’ Chris again. Apparently, successful pitching isn’t part of a business in which you depend on clients giving you money to do their work for them...Then again, working in a team for the best outcome for the client is clearly a bit alien as well – Chris, you were crap at pitching mate, just accept it
Outfit of the week – no, it wasn’t Stella’s beach outfit, but rather the surprisingly quiet Stuart Thebrand’s (Guardian TM) garish sunglasses as he stepped out of the taxi on day two – blink and you’ll miss them but they were brilliant, and his little diamond stud just topped it off
The ‘Oh why don’t they ever learn’ award – every year the candidates are always told ‘rehearse putting together your product’ and every year they sail ignorantly onward. In recent years we’ve had the hilarious efforts of a screw-on trampoline and a fold-up buggy, but I think the BookEeze balls-up in front of World Duty Free might just top it
The percentage factor – and finally, we all know 110% is common on the Apprentice but this week the stakes were upped dramatically. In amongst the girls’ cat fight to the death in the boardroom we heard this little gem from the otherwise mute Sandeesh “I’ve given 150% this week”
Tune in next week to see if we can break the 200% barrier
Likewise The Apprentice then. The first week is always a bit of a demolition derby but episode two usually gives you a much better idea of where we really stand. So with that in mind here are the awards for week two.
Week 2 Frontrunner – no contest here. Simply Stella. Anybody that can control that rabble of egos deserves a commendation. Marks also for Jamie who continues to ooze controlled intelligence, but watch that ego my son
On thin ice – pretty much all the girls but especially PM Laura. Boots the chemist says ‘We’d like an exclusive on your product’, Laura says ‘Hmm, you’re a huge retailer and bizarrely have shown interest in my utterly useless product, but I’m going to say No’
Update on the no shows – last week’s shapeless souls Christopher and Sandeesh stepped it up with at least 10 words per half hour each. Also, Palamo, it’s been two weeks love, open your mouth a little bit
Tears for Fears – again, Laura, who seemed permanently on the verge of emotional breakdown and finally cracked midway through the task. Then again she claims to have brought in £500k of business for her company so maybe tears are the post credit-crunch sales technique of choice
PR watch – my man Alex did moderately well brainstorming name ideas for the boys beach product. However my boy, please don’t approach strangers attempting to enjoy their miserably-weathered English holiday ever again – poor buggers.
Mountford’s face of the week – Karen Brady pulled off the first Margaret of the series during the ‘Book Off’ fight between Laura and Joanna. She’s still got quite a way to go with the facial expressions yet though. Please come back Margaret, please!
Quote of the week – “this doesn’t look slutty at all” smirked ‘investment banker’ (cough cough) Chris with a schoolboyish grin on his face after Stella explicitly told him ‘no’ to the bikini. Coming in a close second was Melissa’s declaration of ‘consumer happiness’ for all following the use of the kid’s collapsible dollhouse tent, sorry, er, BookEeze, it was called the BookEeze
Pitch of the week – It’s ‘Investment Banker’ Chris again. Apparently, successful pitching isn’t part of a business in which you depend on clients giving you money to do their work for them...Then again, working in a team for the best outcome for the client is clearly a bit alien as well – Chris, you were crap at pitching mate, just accept it
Outfit of the week – no, it wasn’t Stella’s beach outfit, but rather the surprisingly quiet Stuart Thebrand’s (Guardian TM) garish sunglasses as he stepped out of the taxi on day two – blink and you’ll miss them but they were brilliant, and his little diamond stud just topped it off
The ‘Oh why don’t they ever learn’ award – every year the candidates are always told ‘rehearse putting together your product’ and every year they sail ignorantly onward. In recent years we’ve had the hilarious efforts of a screw-on trampoline and a fold-up buggy, but I think the BookEeze balls-up in front of World Duty Free might just top it
The percentage factor – and finally, we all know 110% is common on the Apprentice but this week the stakes were upped dramatically. In amongst the girls’ cat fight to the death in the boardroom we heard this little gem from the otherwise mute Sandeesh “I’ve given 150% this week”
Tune in next week to see if we can break the 200% barrier
Wednesday 6 October 2010
The Apprentice - Week One
It's unrealistic, it's overformulated and scripted, and it doesn't really reward the most able people. But despite that many of us love it - yes, The Apprentice returned last night for a new series.
I'm a fully paid up member of the fan club and as such have decided to dedicate half an hour each week for the next three months to providing my thoughts on each episode.
To kick-off with, a few key observations from this week's 'meaty' opening episode are below, but I'd also recommend reading The Guardian's wonderfully critical live blog from each show night:
Early frontrunner - Shibby, the surgeon with the dapper tie seemed to be fairly level-headed and pulled off a big deal. Then again, you'd half hope that was the case given his day job
Who the hell are they? A split award this week shared between Christopher and Sandeesh - seriously, did either of them say anything at all for the entire 60 minutes?
On thin ice - again a split award here between Alex (the PR man, oh the shame of it) and the blondest of the blonde, Melissa. She's got talent but just seems to have that Lucinda quality for winding just about everyone up
The All Balls Award - otherwise known as the Claire Young award (remember her?), this one goes to the just-out-of-preschool Stuart who seems to have a mouth quicker than Usain Bolt's legs. Bound to be entertaining going forwards
Best dressed - as noted above, hats off to Shibby for a cracking red, white and blue tie number
Worst dressed - Joanna. Come on girl, first week and the best you can pull out is a plain grey effort? Doesn't bode well
Line of the week - absolutely no contest here. Raleigh's (what a great name) emotional outburst towards the soon to be departed Dan that his leadership "was shameful" complete with trembling finger point contained all the power and presence of a nine year old with a broken ice cream cone. I for one am eager to see what the 'BMX' comes up with next
So there we go. One week down, eleven or so to go
I'm a fully paid up member of the fan club and as such have decided to dedicate half an hour each week for the next three months to providing my thoughts on each episode.
To kick-off with, a few key observations from this week's 'meaty' opening episode are below, but I'd also recommend reading The Guardian's wonderfully critical live blog from each show night:
Early frontrunner - Shibby, the surgeon with the dapper tie seemed to be fairly level-headed and pulled off a big deal. Then again, you'd half hope that was the case given his day job
Who the hell are they? A split award this week shared between Christopher and Sandeesh - seriously, did either of them say anything at all for the entire 60 minutes?
On thin ice - again a split award here between Alex (the PR man, oh the shame of it) and the blondest of the blonde, Melissa. She's got talent but just seems to have that Lucinda quality for winding just about everyone up
The All Balls Award - otherwise known as the Claire Young award (remember her?), this one goes to the just-out-of-preschool Stuart who seems to have a mouth quicker than Usain Bolt's legs. Bound to be entertaining going forwards
Best dressed - as noted above, hats off to Shibby for a cracking red, white and blue tie number
Worst dressed - Joanna. Come on girl, first week and the best you can pull out is a plain grey effort? Doesn't bode well
Line of the week - absolutely no contest here. Raleigh's (what a great name) emotional outburst towards the soon to be departed Dan that his leadership "was shameful" complete with trembling finger point contained all the power and presence of a nine year old with a broken ice cream cone. I for one am eager to see what the 'BMX' comes up with next
So there we go. One week down, eleven or so to go
Friday 1 October 2010
Monopoly
I played monopoly this week for the first time in years. Quite why I had the urge to I'm not sure, but now I've remembered that it is in fact a damn good and really quite addictive game.
There are however a few tips that I'd offer anyone who hasn't played for a while either, but suddenly feels inspired to pick up the dice, grab the boot, hat or dog and head on down to Go. The tips are as follows:
1. Always buy at least one of the stations - alright they might only be worth £25 a pop, but it's more the £200 a pop that you get charged if the other person gets all four. At the start of the game, £200 is a deeply hurtful amount of money to have to fork out.
2. Don't rush off on a property binge, Irish style - poor taste joke but it's true, if you try and buy a bit of everything you generally end up with nothing
3. Try to avoid playing with a woman, especially a girlfriend - they're almost impossible to negotiate with, no matter what schemes you try. I thought the blues and reds for oranges and pinks was more than fair but clearly not. So I went bust
4. Do make sure you perform some sort of wishing/ritual dancing thing before a key roll of the dice. This really does seem to work, at least 69.8% of the time
5. And finally, please, please, please make sure it's a quick game. I'm pretty sure my brother and I have a game still officially going on from 1993 following a state of near perfect equilibrium that we'd reached. Monopoly's a great game, but it can also be a bugger to finish
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