The Apprentice Awards - Week Seven

If you’re reading this then congratulations – you’ve obviously finished pouring through the 16 page supplements in yesterday’s Mail and Telegraph commemorating the star-crossed university lovers.

Week Seven of the Apprentice saw the return of what I lovingly call the ‘tacky souvenir challenge’. This year’s version really stretched the word ‘merchandise’ to the limit though, with the contestant’s flogging ‘blue screen experiences’. The magnetism that human beings seem to feel when it comes to latching onto useless crap really knows no bounds does it?

Anyway, this week’s awards reflect what this episode was really all about – showcasing just how much of an utter tool Stuart TheBrand really is:

Bad week for the frontrunners – Jamie, Stella and Liz are clearly a cut above but they all suffered this week in no small part because of two utterly desperate and useless managers. Stella did get her own back though with a wry putdown to StuBagg when she told the losing team, “I’m just glad you guys stuffed up, because you could have won. You really should have won”.

The Adam Smith Award (part three) – Joanna and Liz on buying DVDs for the task; “we’re going to need some wastage aren’t we?”. A fair point, until they ordered double the number they actually needed. Surplus supply, total lack of demand? Are we back in Irish cheese land again like last week?

The Robert Maxwell award – you could sort of laugh at StuBagg’s exertions most of this week but upping his prices to £15 and then trying to rip off customers was shockingly low behaviour. The move was matched only by Laura’s declaration that “it’s a revenue thing, they would have paid it eventually”. Is she starting to develop a crush on him? Dear Lord

Sirallun on capitalism – cracking line from The Lord who swiftly put Chris back in his place by declaring that “I haven’t been blessed working in an investment bank where there’s no actual product to sell. I’ve had to make things instead”. Ouch

Lie-ins for all – it didn’t save her, but at least Sandeesh stuck to her guns in the boardroom despite a grilling from Lord Sugar. When asked why she’d opened trading one hour late, she simply replied, “I stand by that decision”. Brilliant, an extra hour in bed for all once she becomes PM then

Batten down the hatches – Stella’s been a bit quiet recently, but StuBagg really got under her skin this week. Not content with calling her old, his best insult was the rubbishing of her seemingly alien concept of writing things down. These two are on the verge of a Vesuvian rumble any day now and I for one can’t wait

The Uri Geller Award – Another Brand classic as he lost it John Cleese-style in front of a bewildered Laura – “They can’t make a decision and need everything fed to them by a spoon. Where’s the spoon? WHERE’S THE SPOON?”

Is this knife yours Sir? – say what you like about his actual ability but Chris really is a master of picking his moment to put the knife in. This week it was Jamie’s turn and but for Sandeesh bailing him out, he may well have been a goner. No one else has lost as many times as he has, yet still he survives week in and week out

Quotes of the week – oh come on, was there really anyone else going to sit in here this week? Three platinum pieces of absolute Cock-ery from StuBagg. Firstly on the pyramid of life, “the only place I fit naturally is at the top as the leader” – we all know what happens to pyramids don’t we? Secondly on the sheer size of his manhood, “Sometimes I have to rein in my extreme masculinity”. And finally as a sign-off to the losing team, “I’ll keep some champagne on ice for you guys”.

Truly, one day he’s going to find his trousers round his ankles waddling down Oxford Street isn’t he? Let us pray it happens in the next five weeks.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Six

Things are looking grim in Blighty at the moment - the students are rioting and the Irish government has turned to free cheese in a last ditch effort to save their economy. But fear not for the Apprentice carries on as strong as ever. We’re now officially halfway through the process but there’s still an entire boardroom full of useless candidates, arrogant twenty-somethings and super-sized egos waiting for their turn to fall.

So with that in mind, here are the awards for week six:

An early morning question – Why is it always Stella that answers the phone/door and why is she also unusually well dressed on every occasion? Maybe she’s an insomniac, or maybe, just maybe there’s something a little contrived about that morning scene…

Outfit of the week – another one on the notch for the BoyBrand this week thanks to his Hobbit trousers in the house at the start of the episode. One Brand to rule them all?

Sir Martin Sorrell’s next Apprentice – Erm, maybe not. I know Christopher has been on military duty for a few years, but surely he’s watched an advert since 1957? “If this doesn’t work, if it doesn’t look comfortable, it’s just gonna come across as cheesy”. You ain’t wrong mate.

Young businessman of the year – aged just 26, Alex is apparently already an expert in marketing, advertising and PR. That faint rustling you can hear is the sound of job offers pouring through his door…

Common myths about PR – great quote from investment banker cum Oscar nominated director Chris this one, “I thought if Alex was the ideas man then he’d come up with more ideas”. Oh Chris, don’t you know? PR workers aren’t ideas people mate, who gave you that impression?

Pants Man 2.0 – Pants Man last year was truly unforgettable but he may actually have been surpassed this week by both the Germinator and that bloody Octopus. At least the Y-fronted superhero moved around a little bit – poor little Octopus just stood there forlorn in her shiny new kitchen.

The Jeremy Clarkson school of acting – Chris has clearly been watching a lot of Top Gear in the office. Apparently scrubbing gravy off a hob requires a pause mid-sentence in the very best Clarkson style. I just can’t………shift this gravy

Quote of the week – really no contest here. Simply brilliant from Alex on negotiating the sensitivities of the second world war and calling their product 'Blitz': “Most of the people that were alive then are dead now anyway”.

For those wishing to pay their respects in the more traditional way, Remembrance Sunday is this weekend.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Five

Week Five of the Apprentice saw the departure of the actually quite impressive Paloma and the incredible survival of two of the most useless candidates in living memory. Still, Alex is good comedy value and he did nail that promotional video (as he said about five times in the boardroom) so long may his reign continue.

Quote of the week – oh so many to choose from including Alex on retail theory (“It’s like creating a hive of honey”). But the double winner this week comes from a disturbingly pervy Jamie. Firstly, on dispensing fashion advice to Liz, “Better whip your bra off”, closely followed by his customer advice to “wear it with tights, or actually maybe nothing”.

Outfit of the week – screw the contestants, the ‘sci-fi’ fashion design girl and her face-filling purple specks wiped the floor and put Sue Pollard’s facial fashion distinctly into the Z list. Marks too for investment banker Chris’ colour co-ordinated handkerchief in the boardroom.

He’s Back! – after three weeks in the wilderness, TheBrand finally returned this week with a whole series of cracking one liners. The full-frontal selling may still not be there, but with lines like “Depends who’s died this week so they can get it out of the charity shop” on the merits of designer recycled clothing, he’s definitely on the radar again.

Persona non gratis – she has got a mouth after all! Sandeesh finally had to conjure up some words in the boardroom this week as she clung onto her wisp-like existence. Whatever you think of her ‘contribution’ (which includes ‘pricing strategy’ apparently – that’s writing numbers on labels to you and me), what has become clear is that she must have the world’s longest notebook. All she ever does on tasks is write, write, write. Can’t wait for the memoirs.

The Adam Smith award (part one) – from the Boy Brand, “how can you sell a piece of cotton that costs £2 for over a hundred quid? It’s like selling magic beans”. Erm, yes Stuart, see the words ‘Capitalism’ and ‘Emporio Armani’ in the dictionary.

The Adam Smith award (part two) – This little gem from investment banker Chris, “I don’t believe you haven’t got more than £40 in the bank to pay for that, maybe creep into the overdraft yeah?”. Erm right. Sub-prime crisis, collateralised debt obligations anyone? What was it the credit crunch was built on again? Oh yes that’s right, people being encouraged to take out sums of money far beyond their means. The post-recession world is clearly in safe hands…

The cliff-edge beckons – this year’s candidates really are exceptional at the art of setting themselves up for a fall. This week it was PR Man Alex’s turn with the devastating line “I’m something of a retail guru” and not only that but he’s apparently been taught by a retail ‘professor’. Do they even exist? Surely a professor of retail would hastily disdain the classic lab coat and glasses look wouldn’t they?

A note on Nick – there’s been too little of Nick Hewer so far this series, possibly because he’s still mourning the loss of Margaret to ancient Egypt. He made a return to form this week though, first with a couple of classic Hewer faces, such as when a student fashion model thrusted her overly tight dress in his face. And then second through his damnation for eternity of PR Alex with the conclusion that the retail guru can be “sometimes a bit over effusive, but he’s not totally irritating” – uh oh.

The culture award – “It feels like I’ve gone back a couple of years when I go to Manchester”. Way to offend the North Jamie, way to offend the North.

And finally – Is it because she’s blonde? In week two Stella was forced to don a bikini for the cause. Now in week five she’s in the shop window flaunting herself at customers. She’s still clearly at the top of the pack (though Liz is catching up fast), but her apparent willingness to play the pantomime horse is a tad worrying – “Amsterdam? Maybe. But not in Manchester”. Brilliant from Nick as ever.