If you’re reading this then congratulations – you’ve obviously finished pouring through the 16 page supplements in yesterday’s Mail and Telegraph commemorating the star-crossed university lovers.
Week Seven of the Apprentice saw the return of what I lovingly call the ‘tacky souvenir challenge’. This year’s version really stretched the word ‘merchandise’ to the limit though, with the contestant’s flogging ‘blue screen experiences’. The magnetism that human beings seem to feel when it comes to latching onto useless crap really knows no bounds does it?
Anyway, this week’s awards reflect what this episode was really all about – showcasing just how much of an utter tool Stuart TheBrand really is:
Bad week for the frontrunners – Jamie, Stella and Liz are clearly a cut above but they all suffered this week in no small part because of two utterly desperate and useless managers. Stella did get her own back though with a wry putdown to StuBagg when she told the losing team, “I’m just glad you guys stuffed up, because you could have won. You really should have won”.
The Adam Smith Award (part three) – Joanna and Liz on buying DVDs for the task; “we’re going to need some wastage aren’t we?”. A fair point, until they ordered double the number they actually needed. Surplus supply, total lack of demand? Are we back in Irish cheese land again like last week?
The Robert Maxwell award – you could sort of laugh at StuBagg’s exertions most of this week but upping his prices to £15 and then trying to rip off customers was shockingly low behaviour. The move was matched only by Laura’s declaration that “it’s a revenue thing, they would have paid it eventually”. Is she starting to develop a crush on him? Dear Lord
Sirallun on capitalism – cracking line from The Lord who swiftly put Chris back in his place by declaring that “I haven’t been blessed working in an investment bank where there’s no actual product to sell. I’ve had to make things instead”. Ouch
Lie-ins for all – it didn’t save her, but at least Sandeesh stuck to her guns in the boardroom despite a grilling from Lord Sugar. When asked why she’d opened trading one hour late, she simply replied, “I stand by that decision”. Brilliant, an extra hour in bed for all once she becomes PM then
Batten down the hatches – Stella’s been a bit quiet recently, but StuBagg really got under her skin this week. Not content with calling her old, his best insult was the rubbishing of her seemingly alien concept of writing things down. These two are on the verge of a Vesuvian rumble any day now and I for one can’t wait
The Uri Geller Award – Another Brand classic as he lost it John Cleese-style in front of a bewildered Laura – “They can’t make a decision and need everything fed to them by a spoon. Where’s the spoon? WHERE’S THE SPOON?”
Is this knife yours Sir? – say what you like about his actual ability but Chris really is a master of picking his moment to put the knife in. This week it was Jamie’s turn and but for Sandeesh bailing him out, he may well have been a goner. No one else has lost as many times as he has, yet still he survives week in and week out
Quotes of the week – oh come on, was there really anyone else going to sit in here this week? Three platinum pieces of absolute Cock-ery from StuBagg. Firstly on the pyramid of life, “the only place I fit naturally is at the top as the leader” – we all know what happens to pyramids don’t we? Secondly on the sheer size of his manhood, “Sometimes I have to rein in my extreme masculinity”. And finally as a sign-off to the losing team, “I’ll keep some champagne on ice for you guys”.
Truly, one day he’s going to find his trousers round his ankles waddling down Oxford Street isn’t he? Let us pray it happens in the next five weeks.
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