The Apprentice Awards - Week Three

It’s week three and we’re well into it now – ‘We’re in tough economic times’, ‘I’m not after no cautious Carols’, ‘It’s my turn to be an utterly useless and hilarious PM’ etc etc etc. Week three is usually the start of the long, deadly slow process of weeding out those candidates who are sort of ok but ultimately never going to win. And this week it was Shibby the Surgeon’s turn, although how Sandeesh is still there I really can’t explain – over to you on that one Professor Hawking.

Outfit of the week – Laura was close with her bizarrely high-topped blouse. Did she even have a neck under there? Was it reported missing, last seen in a Selfridges dressing room? However, Liz wins it this week based on her outrageous collar – so wide even a Jumbo Jet couldn’t beat its wingspan.

The ‘I must be good at this one, it’s my dayjob’ award – oh dear Melissa. A ‘food business manager’ without a clue what people eat. But hey, she got round it. How? By inventing something “new and out of the box” apparently – because there aren’t enough breaded products in the world already. And because her new sans-box wonder was last seen in 1986 according to a cake shop owner customer of hers.

PR Watch – whisper it, but he’s actually starting to look half-decent. Yes, Alex pulled it out of the bag this week for his less than impressive PM, Melissa, with some contract-saving sums. Probably best he wasn’t leading the sales pitch though – his head wagged faster than a dog following a bouncy ball as he read from his hastily prepared script.

Star of the show – no contest this one, it’s the hotel chef. First, he had to sit through the most unprofessional pitch seen in London since, well, Chris’ effort last week. And then he landed the week’s killer line when presented with slightly fewer baked bready products than he was hoping for – “16 bread roles?! What am I supposed to do with that?”. Absolutely brilliant. Hire him Lord Sugar. Hire him now.

Persona non gratis – she’s alive! Paloma finally stepped it up this week and it turns out she’s from the Southern Hemisphere (genuinely I had no idea, she’s been so quiet!). She’s also a loud Southernarian as it turns out – the new dark horse? Hmmm, maybe not, just a very, very noisy one.

As for the other mute-oids, Sandeesh is still sticking strictly to her guns. Highlights of the week? Err, her mouse-like sales technique maybe. Oh no wait, she did come up with a great rant on the complexities of breadonomics in the factory at one point. A pat on the back for Christopher though. Damn good on the production line – praise from Nick Hewer? Surely not!

Health & Safety hair alert – Melissa again, who debuted a flick back of blonde hair the size and shape of Mount Fuji, only Mount Fuji bent over backwards in a hurricane.

TheBrand – outrageous in week one, quiet in week two, almost invisible in week three, where the hell has he gone? Please, please come back. Mind you, he did declare at one point that “I’m an amazing salesman and an amazing pitcher” - says the bloke who yelled at people when they didn’t buy his sawdust sausages in week one.

The Baggs award – speaking of TheBrand 1.0, Melissa has clearly been talking to him on sales techniques - “You’re gonna buy it, and you aren’t leaving until you do. Sock it sock it sock it to them guys.”

And finally – there were so many good lines this week, Chef included, but these two really stood out for me. First Shibby, who in a desperate attempt to save his skin came up with this cracker to Sandeesh, “You could have walked around with your top off and still not sold anything”.

But the winner was PR Alex who stood up to Melissa by waiting until she’d stormed off and then delivering his coup de grace, “I got an A* in my GCSE maths by the way”. Like a boy in short trousers being pelted by his sister with a peashooter. Fantastic.