The Apprentice Awards - Week Seven

If you’re reading this then congratulations – you’ve obviously finished pouring through the 16 page supplements in yesterday’s Mail and Telegraph commemorating the star-crossed university lovers.

Week Seven of the Apprentice saw the return of what I lovingly call the ‘tacky souvenir challenge’. This year’s version really stretched the word ‘merchandise’ to the limit though, with the contestant’s flogging ‘blue screen experiences’. The magnetism that human beings seem to feel when it comes to latching onto useless crap really knows no bounds does it?

Anyway, this week’s awards reflect what this episode was really all about – showcasing just how much of an utter tool Stuart TheBrand really is:

Bad week for the frontrunners – Jamie, Stella and Liz are clearly a cut above but they all suffered this week in no small part because of two utterly desperate and useless managers. Stella did get her own back though with a wry putdown to StuBagg when she told the losing team, “I’m just glad you guys stuffed up, because you could have won. You really should have won”.

The Adam Smith Award (part three) – Joanna and Liz on buying DVDs for the task; “we’re going to need some wastage aren’t we?”. A fair point, until they ordered double the number they actually needed. Surplus supply, total lack of demand? Are we back in Irish cheese land again like last week?

The Robert Maxwell award – you could sort of laugh at StuBagg’s exertions most of this week but upping his prices to £15 and then trying to rip off customers was shockingly low behaviour. The move was matched only by Laura’s declaration that “it’s a revenue thing, they would have paid it eventually”. Is she starting to develop a crush on him? Dear Lord

Sirallun on capitalism – cracking line from The Lord who swiftly put Chris back in his place by declaring that “I haven’t been blessed working in an investment bank where there’s no actual product to sell. I’ve had to make things instead”. Ouch

Lie-ins for all – it didn’t save her, but at least Sandeesh stuck to her guns in the boardroom despite a grilling from Lord Sugar. When asked why she’d opened trading one hour late, she simply replied, “I stand by that decision”. Brilliant, an extra hour in bed for all once she becomes PM then

Batten down the hatches – Stella’s been a bit quiet recently, but StuBagg really got under her skin this week. Not content with calling her old, his best insult was the rubbishing of her seemingly alien concept of writing things down. These two are on the verge of a Vesuvian rumble any day now and I for one can’t wait

The Uri Geller Award – Another Brand classic as he lost it John Cleese-style in front of a bewildered Laura – “They can’t make a decision and need everything fed to them by a spoon. Where’s the spoon? WHERE’S THE SPOON?”

Is this knife yours Sir? – say what you like about his actual ability but Chris really is a master of picking his moment to put the knife in. This week it was Jamie’s turn and but for Sandeesh bailing him out, he may well have been a goner. No one else has lost as many times as he has, yet still he survives week in and week out

Quotes of the week – oh come on, was there really anyone else going to sit in here this week? Three platinum pieces of absolute Cock-ery from StuBagg. Firstly on the pyramid of life, “the only place I fit naturally is at the top as the leader” – we all know what happens to pyramids don’t we? Secondly on the sheer size of his manhood, “Sometimes I have to rein in my extreme masculinity”. And finally as a sign-off to the losing team, “I’ll keep some champagne on ice for you guys”.

Truly, one day he’s going to find his trousers round his ankles waddling down Oxford Street isn’t he? Let us pray it happens in the next five weeks.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Six

Things are looking grim in Blighty at the moment - the students are rioting and the Irish government has turned to free cheese in a last ditch effort to save their economy. But fear not for the Apprentice carries on as strong as ever. We’re now officially halfway through the process but there’s still an entire boardroom full of useless candidates, arrogant twenty-somethings and super-sized egos waiting for their turn to fall.

So with that in mind, here are the awards for week six:

An early morning question – Why is it always Stella that answers the phone/door and why is she also unusually well dressed on every occasion? Maybe she’s an insomniac, or maybe, just maybe there’s something a little contrived about that morning scene…

Outfit of the week – another one on the notch for the BoyBrand this week thanks to his Hobbit trousers in the house at the start of the episode. One Brand to rule them all?

Sir Martin Sorrell’s next Apprentice – Erm, maybe not. I know Christopher has been on military duty for a few years, but surely he’s watched an advert since 1957? “If this doesn’t work, if it doesn’t look comfortable, it’s just gonna come across as cheesy”. You ain’t wrong mate.

Young businessman of the year – aged just 26, Alex is apparently already an expert in marketing, advertising and PR. That faint rustling you can hear is the sound of job offers pouring through his door…

Common myths about PR – great quote from investment banker cum Oscar nominated director Chris this one, “I thought if Alex was the ideas man then he’d come up with more ideas”. Oh Chris, don’t you know? PR workers aren’t ideas people mate, who gave you that impression?

Pants Man 2.0 – Pants Man last year was truly unforgettable but he may actually have been surpassed this week by both the Germinator and that bloody Octopus. At least the Y-fronted superhero moved around a little bit – poor little Octopus just stood there forlorn in her shiny new kitchen.

The Jeremy Clarkson school of acting – Chris has clearly been watching a lot of Top Gear in the office. Apparently scrubbing gravy off a hob requires a pause mid-sentence in the very best Clarkson style. I just can’t………shift this gravy

Quote of the week – really no contest here. Simply brilliant from Alex on negotiating the sensitivities of the second world war and calling their product 'Blitz': “Most of the people that were alive then are dead now anyway”.

For those wishing to pay their respects in the more traditional way, Remembrance Sunday is this weekend.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Five

Week Five of the Apprentice saw the departure of the actually quite impressive Paloma and the incredible survival of two of the most useless candidates in living memory. Still, Alex is good comedy value and he did nail that promotional video (as he said about five times in the boardroom) so long may his reign continue.

Quote of the week – oh so many to choose from including Alex on retail theory (“It’s like creating a hive of honey”). But the double winner this week comes from a disturbingly pervy Jamie. Firstly, on dispensing fashion advice to Liz, “Better whip your bra off”, closely followed by his customer advice to “wear it with tights, or actually maybe nothing”.

Outfit of the week – screw the contestants, the ‘sci-fi’ fashion design girl and her face-filling purple specks wiped the floor and put Sue Pollard’s facial fashion distinctly into the Z list. Marks too for investment banker Chris’ colour co-ordinated handkerchief in the boardroom.

He’s Back! – after three weeks in the wilderness, TheBrand finally returned this week with a whole series of cracking one liners. The full-frontal selling may still not be there, but with lines like “Depends who’s died this week so they can get it out of the charity shop” on the merits of designer recycled clothing, he’s definitely on the radar again.

Persona non gratis – she has got a mouth after all! Sandeesh finally had to conjure up some words in the boardroom this week as she clung onto her wisp-like existence. Whatever you think of her ‘contribution’ (which includes ‘pricing strategy’ apparently – that’s writing numbers on labels to you and me), what has become clear is that she must have the world’s longest notebook. All she ever does on tasks is write, write, write. Can’t wait for the memoirs.

The Adam Smith award (part one) – from the Boy Brand, “how can you sell a piece of cotton that costs £2 for over a hundred quid? It’s like selling magic beans”. Erm, yes Stuart, see the words ‘Capitalism’ and ‘Emporio Armani’ in the dictionary.

The Adam Smith award (part two) – This little gem from investment banker Chris, “I don’t believe you haven’t got more than £40 in the bank to pay for that, maybe creep into the overdraft yeah?”. Erm right. Sub-prime crisis, collateralised debt obligations anyone? What was it the credit crunch was built on again? Oh yes that’s right, people being encouraged to take out sums of money far beyond their means. The post-recession world is clearly in safe hands…

The cliff-edge beckons – this year’s candidates really are exceptional at the art of setting themselves up for a fall. This week it was PR Man Alex’s turn with the devastating line “I’m something of a retail guru” and not only that but he’s apparently been taught by a retail ‘professor’. Do they even exist? Surely a professor of retail would hastily disdain the classic lab coat and glasses look wouldn’t they?

A note on Nick – there’s been too little of Nick Hewer so far this series, possibly because he’s still mourning the loss of Margaret to ancient Egypt. He made a return to form this week though, first with a couple of classic Hewer faces, such as when a student fashion model thrusted her overly tight dress in his face. And then second through his damnation for eternity of PR Alex with the conclusion that the retail guru can be “sometimes a bit over effusive, but he’s not totally irritating” – uh oh.

The culture award – “It feels like I’ve gone back a couple of years when I go to Manchester”. Way to offend the North Jamie, way to offend the North.

And finally – Is it because she’s blonde? In week two Stella was forced to don a bikini for the cause. Now in week five she’s in the shop window flaunting herself at customers. She’s still clearly at the top of the pack (though Liz is catching up fast), but her apparent willingness to play the pantomime horse is a tad worrying – “Amsterdam? Maybe. But not in Manchester”. Brilliant from Nick as ever.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Four

Week Four and the obligatory Dragon's Den task for the candidates. We're in the mid-season lull at the moment before the rush of excitement that stems from the wind-up to the interview week but nevertheless, this week featured some memorable moments, not least the brilliantly sulky depature of Mount Fuji-haired Melissa. She was undoubtedly useless, but for her mouth alone she'll definitely be missed.

The Frontrunners – it’s still got to be Jamie and Stella, despite little wobbles for them both this week. Stella’s still quietly effective, whilst Jamie’s smug face only dimished slightly as he breezed the boardroom.

Farewell to The Mouth – so much that could be said about Melissa but I’ll keep it to the minimum possible with just two gems. Firstly, the term ‘hard sell’ just doesn’t do her justice – three times she was told ‘we don’t do showerheads’ and still she kept going like a Jack Russell on heat.

Also, the surefire quote of death, ‘I do this for a living’ on pitching new products. Right, do you also irritate people to the point of chronic eczema?

Death of TheBrand? WHERE HAS HE GONE? In the space of three weeks Stuart Baggs has been reduced to biting into shower heads in a vain effort to fix them for the pleasures of a mid-sized retailer. His hair’s been cut, his vocal chords have disappeared into his stomach and he’s become a 21 year old gimp. Jesus boy, man up and dig your balls out of the coffin.

The new dark horse – streaking ahead in the ‘investment banker’ (cough cough) stakes, it turns out Liz is something of a king in the pitching stakes. Has she catapulted herself into the Jamie/Stella league?

Pitch of the week – he’s been at it again has banker Chris. Still as dour as a doorknob, and also entirely dependant on notes? It’s not secondary school boy. Uber-cucumber Nick Hewer summed it up with the killer phrase, “like listening to a low flying bomber coming home”.

Outfit of the week – Little to write home about this week on the fashion front, so instead we’ll have a little joke out of the sheep shearing that PR man Alex and former Brand, Stuart, ‘enjoyed’ between last week and this.

Lost in the ether – gripping firmly onto this award it’s Sandeesh. Still commanding the shadows although she finally secured a deal traipsing around in the rain in Soho. Well done love.

The Crowning of the Little Princess – on the verge of tears again this week as Paloma briefly laid into her, little Laura came out fighting, grimly clasping her empty order book until the end. It’s the team right Laura? Oh no, wait, hang on, it’s about your 22 year old self and your little scrap of paper with one solitary order on it.

Quote of the week – Nick’s effort above was close, but because it’s her finale, the last award tonight goes to Melissa for this little gem of the English language - “There was no room for manoeuvrement”. Indeed.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Three

It’s week three and we’re well into it now – ‘We’re in tough economic times’, ‘I’m not after no cautious Carols’, ‘It’s my turn to be an utterly useless and hilarious PM’ etc etc etc. Week three is usually the start of the long, deadly slow process of weeding out those candidates who are sort of ok but ultimately never going to win. And this week it was Shibby the Surgeon’s turn, although how Sandeesh is still there I really can’t explain – over to you on that one Professor Hawking.

Outfit of the week – Laura was close with her bizarrely high-topped blouse. Did she even have a neck under there? Was it reported missing, last seen in a Selfridges dressing room? However, Liz wins it this week based on her outrageous collar – so wide even a Jumbo Jet couldn’t beat its wingspan.

The ‘I must be good at this one, it’s my dayjob’ award – oh dear Melissa. A ‘food business manager’ without a clue what people eat. But hey, she got round it. How? By inventing something “new and out of the box” apparently – because there aren’t enough breaded products in the world already. And because her new sans-box wonder was last seen in 1986 according to a cake shop owner customer of hers.

PR Watch – whisper it, but he’s actually starting to look half-decent. Yes, Alex pulled it out of the bag this week for his less than impressive PM, Melissa, with some contract-saving sums. Probably best he wasn’t leading the sales pitch though – his head wagged faster than a dog following a bouncy ball as he read from his hastily prepared script.

Star of the show – no contest this one, it’s the hotel chef. First, he had to sit through the most unprofessional pitch seen in London since, well, Chris’ effort last week. And then he landed the week’s killer line when presented with slightly fewer baked bready products than he was hoping for – “16 bread roles?! What am I supposed to do with that?”. Absolutely brilliant. Hire him Lord Sugar. Hire him now.

Persona non gratis – she’s alive! Paloma finally stepped it up this week and it turns out she’s from the Southern Hemisphere (genuinely I had no idea, she’s been so quiet!). She’s also a loud Southernarian as it turns out – the new dark horse? Hmmm, maybe not, just a very, very noisy one.

As for the other mute-oids, Sandeesh is still sticking strictly to her guns. Highlights of the week? Err, her mouse-like sales technique maybe. Oh no wait, she did come up with a great rant on the complexities of breadonomics in the factory at one point. A pat on the back for Christopher though. Damn good on the production line – praise from Nick Hewer? Surely not!

Health & Safety hair alert – Melissa again, who debuted a flick back of blonde hair the size and shape of Mount Fuji, only Mount Fuji bent over backwards in a hurricane.

TheBrand – outrageous in week one, quiet in week two, almost invisible in week three, where the hell has he gone? Please, please come back. Mind you, he did declare at one point that “I’m an amazing salesman and an amazing pitcher” - says the bloke who yelled at people when they didn’t buy his sawdust sausages in week one.

The Baggs award – speaking of TheBrand 1.0, Melissa has clearly been talking to him on sales techniques - “You’re gonna buy it, and you aren’t leaving until you do. Sock it sock it sock it to them guys.”

And finally – there were so many good lines this week, Chef included, but these two really stood out for me. First Shibby, who in a desperate attempt to save his skin came up with this cracker to Sandeesh, “You could have walked around with your top off and still not sold anything”.

But the winner was PR Alex who stood up to Melissa by waiting until she’d stormed off and then delivering his coup de grace, “I got an A* in my GCSE maths by the way”. Like a boy in short trousers being pelted by his sister with a peashooter. Fantastic.

The Apprentice Awards - Week Two

Sequels are never better than the original right? Well at least most of the time, except for Star Wars. Oh and the Godfather. And probably the Bourne Identity as well.

Likewise The Apprentice then. The first week is always a bit of a demolition derby but episode two usually gives you a much better idea of where we really stand. So with that in mind here are the awards for week two.

Week 2 Frontrunner – no contest here. Simply Stella. Anybody that can control that rabble of egos deserves a commendation. Marks also for Jamie who continues to ooze controlled intelligence, but watch that ego my son

On thin ice – pretty much all the girls but especially PM Laura. Boots the chemist says ‘We’d like an exclusive on your product’, Laura says ‘Hmm, you’re a huge retailer and bizarrely have shown interest in my utterly useless product, but I’m going to say No’

Update on the no shows – last week’s shapeless souls Christopher and Sandeesh stepped it up with at least 10 words per half hour each. Also, Palamo, it’s been two weeks love, open your mouth a little bit

Tears for Fears – again, Laura, who seemed permanently on the verge of emotional breakdown and finally cracked midway through the task. Then again she claims to have brought in £500k of business for her company so maybe tears are the post credit-crunch sales technique of choice

PR watch – my man Alex did moderately well brainstorming name ideas for the boys beach product. However my boy, please don’t approach strangers attempting to enjoy their miserably-weathered English holiday ever again – poor buggers.

Mountford’s face of the week – Karen Brady pulled off the first Margaret of the series during the ‘Book Off’ fight between Laura and Joanna. She’s still got quite a way to go with the facial expressions yet though. Please come back Margaret, please!

Quote of the week – “this doesn’t look slutty at all” smirked ‘investment banker’ (cough cough) Chris with a schoolboyish grin on his face after Stella explicitly told him ‘no’ to the bikini. Coming in a close second was Melissa’s declaration of ‘consumer happiness’ for all following the use of the kid’s collapsible dollhouse tent, sorry, er, BookEeze, it was called the BookEeze

Pitch of the week – It’s ‘Investment Banker’ Chris again. Apparently, successful pitching isn’t part of a business in which you depend on clients giving you money to do their work for them...Then again, working in a team for the best outcome for the client is clearly a bit alien as well – Chris, you were crap at pitching mate, just accept it

Outfit of the week – no, it wasn’t Stella’s beach outfit, but rather the surprisingly quiet Stuart Thebrand’s (Guardian TM) garish sunglasses as he stepped out of the taxi on day two – blink and you’ll miss them but they were brilliant, and his little diamond stud just topped it off

The ‘Oh why don’t they ever learn’ award – every year the candidates are always told ‘rehearse putting together your product’ and every year they sail ignorantly onward. In recent years we’ve had the hilarious efforts of a screw-on trampoline and a fold-up buggy, but I think the BookEeze balls-up in front of World Duty Free might just top it

The percentage factor – and finally, we all know 110% is common on the Apprentice but this week the stakes were upped dramatically. In amongst the girls’ cat fight to the death in the boardroom we heard this little gem from the otherwise mute Sandeesh “I’ve given 150% this week”

Tune in next week to see if we can break the 200% barrier

The Apprentice - Week One

It's unrealistic, it's overformulated and scripted, and it doesn't really reward the most able people. But despite that many of us love it - yes, The Apprentice returned last night for a new series.

I'm a fully paid up member of the fan club and as such have decided to dedicate half an hour each week for the next three months to providing my thoughts on each episode.

To kick-off with, a few key observations from this week's 'meaty' opening episode are below, but I'd also recommend reading The Guardian's wonderfully critical live blog from each show night:

Early frontrunner - Shibby, the surgeon with the dapper tie seemed to be fairly level-headed and pulled off a big deal. Then again, you'd half hope that was the case given his day job

Who the hell are they? A split award this week shared between Christopher and Sandeesh - seriously, did either of them say anything at all for the entire 60 minutes?

On thin ice - again a split award here between Alex (the PR man, oh the shame of it) and the blondest of the blonde, Melissa. She's got talent but just seems to have that Lucinda quality for winding just about everyone up

The All Balls Award - otherwise known as the Claire Young award (remember her?), this one goes to the just-out-of-preschool Stuart who seems to have a mouth quicker than Usain Bolt's legs. Bound to be entertaining going forwards

Best dressed - as noted above, hats off to Shibby for a cracking red, white and blue tie number

Worst dressed - Joanna. Come on girl, first week and the best you can pull out is a plain grey effort? Doesn't bode well

Line of the week - absolutely no contest here. Raleigh's (what a great name) emotional outburst towards the soon to be departed Dan that his leadership "was shameful" complete with trembling finger point contained all the power and presence of a nine year old with a broken ice cream cone. I for one am eager to see what the 'BMX' comes up with next

So there we go. One week down, eleven or so to go